Saturday, August 12, 2006

lem and the un-mix

out of my mouth, every sentence is quickly followed by a trail of nonsense:

the moment, the music, the un-descriptiveness of it all - all my attempts to interact in this world, to perceive, to feel, to know - this is my life - my fate:

this moment of light and night, of eternal revelation and illusion:

am i the fool or the alchemist? heightening senses and blurring reflexes until each moment of control and expectation is forsaken and every moment is un-distinguishable from the next:

Am i awake? Am I aware? do i see the world with new eyes? What choices do i make? Why do I make the choices i did?

I am confronted, in one form or another, by these mysteries at every step of my turn. i break them like bread. i drink them like wine:

i expect nothing and everything from them, never and always at the same time:

I must question everyone and everything i know, believe in or perceive to be:

and only then can this perception turn inward:

unite the self with the selves and the light:

until everything is undifferentiated

1 comment:

B Raine said...

i have a girlr that ended up in my apartment,,kinda landed here as her dad gave her walking papers and she "cant" stay with her mom.. Her dad told her hed pay for an apartment for her for 3 montths,,,He knows she had nowhere to go ,,but w/me hasnt given her e dollar to live though he says she shouldnt have to worry about money for 3 months,,,,ok we were "a couple" now she decides"just freinds" theres much she could do about ...looking for a roomate and pressuring her dad, shes envious of my medicine, and depressed 90% of the time, recently we became intimate again the very next nighty she is talking about a guy who used to take advantage of her sexually and that she's still in lust with, the next day after were intimate she says that was nothing she tells me of her want to see this man....ok I know she needs to go..I cannot afford two mouths especially when one isnt even a GF and just uses sex as a vice....
other thingss i feel she could fall easily between the cracks.and die,,,,shes been scarred with addiction....and fights it still----shes stolen from me.....I went through everything she is so i have empathy...though i cannot ever i cannot risk what i have gained for a girl that cares so little shes willing
to go behind my back....she knows I had fell in love w .her ,,the good times outway the bad.....however the good i feel are not as good as she acts.....I cant see the situation improving until she stops doing nothing -I have given her 30 days.
normally when we fight she insults me,says she never liked me blah blah
and walks to her moms.....Its always dramatic and she always comes back...
since she knows that I love her , i think she thinks i wouldnt kick her out....however she has not the same feelings and in fact is alaways talking with her x whos married about how they want to bottom line No 'we' could ever be.
what can i say to retain a freindship
if she continually fails to pitch in and take advantage of my good will,my freinds see it and I see it, i for thr 1st time see a future w.o drugs,,see over the fogg of drugs,,,i see hope and a good life ,,she does not.........things between us - her hurting me w/; her x-lover have been better than ever she sees me differently things were going well we were taking it slow......but all along she was going behind my back making plans to rendezvous ..I know if I simply tell her she has to leave --her anger will destroy any freindship, but ---right now I cant be a freind as I cant live in the same place, one day
together the next not..its confusing my emotions, making me paranoid....
most of all i want her to live--she does not.....i cannot make her...but i can control my life, i feel i got stuck in this i dont want to hurt her even though she would hurt me in a second if it meant defending her side,,, My kindness is resented my help unwanted love , just a tease a security if theres some hope I tend to be an idealist....ive offerred to help her get on meds...
before i was on methadone i fealt how she does....I understand i cannot judge, however I feel fine about doing what i need to asking a way which i could present a
meeting half way.....and a deadline....i could provoke a fight, and send her that way....I see that as a last resort...she cannot get insurance ,,as maine has changed-----I dont see her wanting to be clean....
I have been enabling by letting her have a pill here and there so she wont
stare at the wall all nigt and obsess,if I refuse she will leave and somehow get so afraid shell die as so many have lateley including a freind of mine..i give inn to her so we can live...I know I made that mistake....I know she will be starring at the wall again....Ive gotten myself methadone sick many times,so she wouldnt leave...I am not getting high.....I told her she cannot here or shes gone....but she expects my help as i started it....i cant give it to her one more timne i know she will go inbto a deep depression. I drean she wants to be clean I dream our sex is all ==she bneeds and that she isnt using me .....i dream we can make it work.....................I dream i can be an example, and can show her if she chooses life i will be there for her in every moment if she chooses to not care....which she has---( Im in denial) she needs to see
all she has with me will be gone.... to say what i need to...i now shell react violently doesnt matter if i put kiddie gloves bro its more complicated as her parents promised to help and give her 3 months of living soshe wouldnt be stressed they dumped her on me...I f i can get money from him which should happen, he knows hes left her in the lurch....she'll self destruct if I completeley stop helping,,she knows i cant suppiort and is just now starting to realize her situation as I have been very clear ,,,,====its easy to do nothing when someone does it for you. whatever you can say about how to help by not making it
i know giving her an anxiety med is not really helping only temporarily.